Sometimes You Feel Like a Mom...Sometimes You Don't

When I was a kid, I thought that when you grew up, you got to change your name to something "grown up." It's not like anyone told me that that would be the case, but I think I just assumed that Kathy (my mother's name) and Helen (my grandmother's name) were not possibly names you could give to a baby, so the logical conclusion was that, at some point, you got to pick your grown up name. For some reason, I planned on naming myself Mary. That doesn't sound particularly grown up to me now, but apparently it sounded like a good idea at the time.

I don't remember having an idea about at what particular age this name changing ceremony leading me into adulthood would take place, but looking back in my life there were probably some distinct times where I thought, "This is it, I'm finally a grown up." Getting my Volvo at sixteen, going off to college at eighteen (4 hours away), getting my own real job at twenty two, buying a house at twenty seven, or marrying at twenty nine. However, when I look back on those times (and my responsibilities at those times), I can't say that those are distinctly the age where I turned into an adult. Is becoming a mother the official passage way? I'm not completely sold on that idea.

Check out my sweet Volvo:

My mom told me once (when I was younger), that my grandmother said to her that her brain was the same as when she was younger. My mom said that she felt that way too. That was hard for me to process because, in my mind, they both were in fact grown ups with bills, houses, cars, and, perhaps most important of all, all the "say" when it came to arguments with teenage daughters. And all those things definitely meant that they were adults and that their brains were different than mine.

I didn't understand what she meant back then, but I think I do now. I think she meant that, as amazing as motherhood is, it doesn't mean you're all of a sudden a pulled together adult with a sophisticated brain that is too much different than a teenage mind. Motherhood doesn't give you all the answers and, even though you become more selfless, the urge to put your needs above your child's is always lurking in the background even though it's not always entertained. 

For example, most of the time I love hanging out with John Mark. When he was little I would make Brandon switch weekend mornings with me so that I could sleep in. Over time (as he became more fun and started sleeping later), I just decided that I would get up with him both mornings. I could easily sleep in and let Brandon get him, but I'm an early riser and John Mark is much less work these days. My point is, mornings or otherwise, I could leave John Mark with Brandon anytime to go do whatever I want, but I opt not to because being a mom is pretty fun these days.

This last weekend, I decided to forgo the laundry and other nap time responsibilities, and go to Target. I had the best time. It was so easy and carefree. I'd forgotten what it was like to drive without a toddler squirming and screaming for his paci behind me (this challenge is only second to eating out at this age, which is actually pretty easy in all other arenas). My excursion was so great that that afternoon I went to the mall. 

Every mom (at least on daytime T.V.) talks about how they put their kids before themselves (to their own detriment usually). I can't say I'm not one of those moms, but I'm not saying that in a martyr kind of way. It really just sneaks up on you and, for the most part, you don't mind until all of a sudden you realize that you haven't bought yourself any new clothes since he was born, or that it didn't even occur to you to get a pedicure or haircut until it was way overdue. Maybe motherhood did make me an adult more so than other events in my life thus far, but there are definitely moments where I do crave alone time, money for frivolous things (without saving for he future, yada yada), or the ease of planning social time on a whim (without having to figure out childcare). Maybe the transition was just easy for me since I've always had a flair for being the "mom" of the group and truly, cardigans has always been my thing.

Regardless of what got me here,my pre-motherhood brain is still in here somewhere. It's funny how I don't really feel as different as I expected myself to feel now that I'm an "adult." Have I earned my grown up name yet? Has the name "Kristin" found its way to the Grown Up Name List? Is there another life event that is still unknown to me that will magically transform me into a child's version of an adult? What would child-Kristin, teenage-Kristin, or college-Kristin think of the adult version? All I know is that I like who I am now and that I'm still me. I'm not boring (or at least not to myself) and life is still fun...just a different kind of fun. 

I'll probably be trying to explain the same thing to my teenager one day...That our brains really aren't all that different after all. We want pretty similar things: fun nights out with friends, weekend getaways with boys, and maybe some sweet wine coolers too, haha :)

Found this gem from my high school scrapbook. It's pretty clear we thought we were pretty grown up back then!

A One Year Update

Back when I was pinning first birthday ideas, I came across this really cool idea to do on a birthday. He had a blast rolling around in the balloons.

He hit his head on the bar, but it didn't slow him down long. 

Between the static hair and the bar mark on his face, this feels like a Pinterest project fail. At least it captured real life!

This was after we were finished. He clearly wasn't ready to stop. 

I never really got around to taking those pictures before his birthday. It's a little deceiving that he has on a birthday outfit, but better late than never, right? That goes for this blog as well.

We just went to visit baby Abigail for the first time. She and John Mark share a birthday exactly one year apart. Visiting new baby and new mommy, Tami, got me thinking back on the early days and how much things have changed. Tami will sometimes ask me questions or I'll read them on the mommy facebook group I'm in, and I'll have to really think hard how to answer the question. It's like a bunch of the things I did and learned and tried all just fell out of my head. I also have a really hard time recalling when certain milestones happened, so it's good that I kept track of most of them on our monthly photos. However, I realize that I've forgotten some along the way because they didn't seem relevant at the time.

 

In one more year I am sure that things will have changed even more and I'll say the same thing looking back over his second year, so I thought it might be a good idea to write about what things are like right now.

Currently John Mark's bedtime is around 7 p.m. As much as I look forward to putting him down and getting a little "me" time, I really look forward to the mornings when I get to wake him up. He sleeps from 7 p.m. until 6:30 (on weekdays) with not so much as a peep. After 12 hours without seeing him, I'm always excited to climb the stairs and say good morning. He pretty much takes after his dad because  he's not the biggest fan of mornings. Usually I'll rub his back and he'll eventually wake up. On weekends, he will sleep as late as 9 a.m. and when he does wake, he usually plays alone in his crib until we go get him. What a blessing!

Before:

After:

The hardest part of my weekday morning is getting him dressed. He's such a little wiggle worm and if you were listening from the bottom of the stairs, you'd think I was murdering him. It doesn't take long, but by the time those few minutes are over I'm usually sweating off my freshly applied makeup. It's a very stressful situation! Here we are trying a selfie after getting ready.

After that, we hop in the car and he drinks his milk in his carseat on the way (Daddy prepares sippies, breakfast, and his book bag when he wakes up). It's a blessing that when we arrive at the daycare, he's excited to see his teachers and reaches for them and waves. He usually goes right for the push toy or grocery cart. In fact, I can't recall a day where he didn't make a bee-line for it as soon as his feet hit the floor. He eats breakfast (that we prepare) and lunch (that they prepare) at the school. I'm so grateful to have a place I trust and that is convenient. After dropping him off at 7 a.m., it's only minutes before I arrive at school.

Even though I love picking him up in the mornings, there's no better part of my day than when I pick him up from daycare. I feel at peace while John Mark is at school because he loves it and I love my work, but when I walk in that door and he squeals for joy when he lays eyes on me, it makes me realize how much I've missed him all day. My mom said that I used to cry when she picked me up from daycare...I hope that this day never comes with John Mark.

Lately I've been picking him up pretty close to 3:30 because, even though he takes two 2-3 hour naps on weekends, he just cannot nap at daycare. We come home and he naps from about 4:00-5:30. This is great because it lets me work on work that I can't do at school because I'm leaving so early and it lets me get a head start on laundry and dinner (and maybe blog a little, haha). When Daddy gets home around 5:30, we have dinner and play for a while before it's time for bath. He loves playing with Brandon and one of his favorite things is sitting in his lap.

Usually we eat in the kitchen, but on occasion we eat in the living room. The dogs love John Mark. Rephrase: The dogs love eating after John Mark. Before baby, they'd never had "people food." Now I'm just grateful that there's someone following behind helping clean up!

After that, he loves to play on the pillows on our bed while we run the bath and get him ready. I know a lot of babies love bath time and I'm not saying John Mark doesn't like it, but he seems a little indifferent about it. As you can see by the picture, he is surrounded by baby bath toys, but always prefers non-toy items (this goes for in and out of the tub).

All in all, life is pretty awesome these days. He's such a great and easy kid. We feel so blessed and we talk all the time about how we hope the next one is as easy as he is. I heard about a couple who won the lottery 3 times, so I guess it's possible. I wonder how likely it is though. Most moms I know say that if they'd had their second baby first, they never would've had a second. I hope that we break the trend (even though that's a long way off).

For now, we will just enjoy him and life as it is!