Easier or harder than you thought?

I've been saying to myself, "I need to blog" for a while now. However, all the times I have blogged before I have had something on my mind before I started writing - a feeling I wanted to remember, a lesson I'd learned, etc. Well lately, all that has been going on in my head is, "When do I nurse him next?" I'm not trying to be dramatic, but really my thoughts have not been much deeper than that - everything I do revolves around feeding John Mark. I have started to write a few times and thought, "I have nothing to say." However, one reason I am keeping this blog is so that I'll remember what life was like with a little one, so I've been trying really hard to come up with a worthy sentiment to record. Well I waited long enough and I finally came up with something to write about...

Twice in the past two days I've been asked the question: "Is motherhood easier or harder than you thought?" I thought this was a blog-worthy question.

The truth is, there is NO way to know or predict what it will be like before you actually do it. I tried my hardest to figure it out before it was born...I read at least 3 books and thousands of articles I pinned on Pinterest. However, I literally forgot everything I read and just now, at 5 weeks, some of the things I learned before he was born are actually coming back to me and being relevant/helpful. When he was first born, things were difficult, but I was so on autopilot that I don't even think I realized how hard things were. I was dirty and tired, but my brain was focused on keeping this little one alive. Back then I would hop out of bed at the first signs of a hunger cry no matter what time of night it was (now I don't "hop to" quite as fast). I kept thinking I was doing well for having a newborn, but then the lack of sleep would catch up with me and I'd have a mini-breakdown. So, looking back, I'd say that the beginning was way harder than I imagined (basically because I didn't know what to imagine), but in the moment I really didn't realize how hard things were (what a blessing in disguise).

Basically, the bottom line to that question is is that each week it gets a little easier and each week I look at the proceeding weeks thinking, "How did I do it?? It was so hard back when ____." (Fill in the blank with "when he wouldn't take a paci," "when he wouldn't go back to bed quickly after feedings," "when he took several minutes to latch on," etc.). Each week I'm grateful that we made it another week and that things are a little easier. The amazing thing is that, as mothers, we just do what we have to do and don't ask why or how. I've trusted my instincts (no longer referring to books and articles) and John Mark is gaining weight and sleeping "though the night" (yes, we get up 3 times to nurse, but because he's not really "awake" and because he falls immediately back to sleep afterwards, I'm going to call it "sleeping through the night"), so I'd say the first few weeks of his life has been a success and I didn't need all that book-knowledge to keep him alive like I'd imagined.

Other than trusting your instincts and knowing "this too shall pass," I'd advise other mothers to:
1) have a series on Netflix to watch from the beginning (late night feedings would be MUCH harder without Gossip Girl)
2) get EVERYTHING you need before you sit down to nurse (no matter how hard the baby is crying)...this means remotes, phones, a snack, water, etc. because once you sit down you're not getting up for 45 minutes and that can feel even longer when those items are just out of reach
3) get out of the house...the first few weeks of John Mark's life (after mom left) were very isolating...being out in the sunshine (even if it is for a car ride) can change your whole mood
4) take tons of photos and videos...I already love looking back at old snippets of video I take on my iphone and hearing him/seeing his expressions and how he's changed...I keep thinking he doesn't look/sound that much different, but these little videos are evidence that things are changing more rapidly than I realize on a daily basis

John Mark is changing so fast. We got his newborn photos back yesterday (will post soon). Those photos were taken at 2 weeks old and today he is 5 weeks old. He already looks so much different than the newborn photos. He's having more "awake" hours and likes to sit on my lap when awake and look all around. In one of my earlier blogs I said that pregnancy was all about waiting for the next milestone and it turns out that infant-hood is much the same...right now I can't wait for him to laugh and play with the toys (and all the other contraptions we purchased while pregnant).

Here's one of his newborn photos:

Life with John Mark

So before John Mark was born I read a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage. One of the main themes in the book was about how busy the stay at home moms were and how to keep things balanced between working husbands and busy moms. I remember thinking that the book never really defined what exactly the mother would be doing all day long and Brandon and I would say to each other, "I'm sure you'll have plenty of time - it can't be that bad." I'm not that naive, I know that mothers of toddlers and school age children are extremely busy and there is a lot to manage (laundry, birthday parties, grocery shopping, chauferring, play dates, etc.); however, I was confused about what exactly I would be doing all day long as the mother of one newborn. Well, now I know.

John Mark is a really good baby. He rarely cries unless hungry and he sleeps A LOT. You think that this would leave me with a lot of free time. Think again. When I started this post two days ago I hadn't washed my hair in 4 days. You think: how can she not make 15 minutes to shower? The truth is, I may be able to scrape together 15 minutes, but there are so many things I could do with that 15 minutes that I often opt for the latter instead of shower.

It's not just priorities that change once you have a baby, your general personality changes too. Pre-baby, people who were late, poor planners, and absent minded with their time were my pet peeve, but as it turns out, I'm one of "them" now. I'll make mental plans like "cook dinner" only to get caught up in nursing and forget completely. Nursing takes 45 minutes at least and I seem to forget that if I start at 5, I won't really be done until 5:45 and if nothing is thawed or even shopped for then the chances of getting a pretty meal on the table are unlikely (even though mentally my intentions were good). I know it's only a phase and this too shall pass. One day I'll be begging for him to be little like this again (or at least this is what ladies in the grocery stores and restaurants tell me).

Speaking of people giving unsolicited advice to new mothers, here's my advice to all you preggo or soon-to-be preggo people out there: enjoy your pregnancy and don't wish it away! As you remember from my previous blogs, I was just dying for John Mark to arrive. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that he is here; however, I miss being pregnant more than I thought I would. No more frequent bathroom visits (this I'm happy about) also means no more kicks and flutters. Being pregnant just makes you feel special...you're a human growing another human and that's pretty amazing. Now I'm just a normal person again alone in my own body. Perhaps the most noticeable difference in life pre and post baby, is that pre-baby every second is coated in anticipation and excitement for his arrival. It was so exciting to think that any second I could go into labor. We are still waiting for milestones like first words, laughs, giggles, and steps, but it's a different kind of excitement. I know most of you who are pregnant aren't really going to take this advice to heart (and neither did I back when I was pregnant) because you are just as excited as I was to get the show on the road, but it's worth saying again: don't wish your pregnancy away - revel in it. I can't wait to do it again some day...and when I do and I start to complain I hope you will remind me of this post :)

 I know people think all he does is sleep because every picture I post he has his eyes closed, so here's one with his eyes open. Also, even though you're probably sick of sleeping pictures, this pose was just too funny not to post (below).

 I love this one because I love seeing Brandon and John Mark together, but also because you can tell that, in the background, Sam is not too happy having the attention stolen from him. Look at that pouty face!

John Mark's Birth Day

Brandon has been longing for a fishing kayak for a long time. Well after much looking, he found the perfect used one on Craigslist. So last Sunday, John, Kara, Brandon, and I headed over to Chace Lake with the fishing kayak and 3 dogs in tow. Our dogs have been a bit neglected lately, so our "walk" was more than a little vigorous. Since walking is supposed to help start labor, this was fine with me. When we got home I thought my water was leaking. This might have been wishful thinking, but I called the doctor on call and he decided we needed to come in. Turns out, I was not in labor yet, but they wanted to keep us over night. We decided since we live so close to home, we would take our chances and head back home. I didn't work Monday, but I did go on Tuesday. I spent the day with my maternity leave sub and answering to everyone's questions about why I STILL wasn't in labor. Wednesday we went to our regular appointment where she informed me that we would need to be induced the following day (blood pressure up, baby measuring large, and 5 cm dilated with a bag of water that was ready to break). While this was the news I had been so desperately ready to hear, it all became real - that life as I knew it was about to change forever and there was no stopping it.

Thursday morning I woke up ready to go. Fresh makeup and hair, charged mobile devices, and my well packed hospital bag. We headed to labor and delivery at 6:30. We felt like we were leaving for Mexico for our wedding...you know that feeling where you feel like your the only ones up and going because her getting an early start on a vacation. We headed to the labor and delivery desk where we met Colleen - our nurse for the next few hours. Colleen was a sweet southern momma probably in her mid-forties. I liked her accent and cheerful, friendly attitude.

After getting set up, my doctor came in at 8 a.m. to break my water and put an internal monitor on John Mark (who was moving so much they couldn't get a good reading on him externally). I've never really minded being a patient, but I'll say that I did not enjoy this part and I'm sure the Colleen and Dr. Heidi were thinking that this was going to be a long morning if I didn't toughen up.

Pretty soon I started having contractions. While I later found out that according to the monitor these were pretty mild, I did not enjoy them at all. Because I was already so dilated, they gave me an epidural almost immediately and after that I felt pretty good. Brandon and I had come prepared to wait all day on our little bundle. After all, the doctor said that I would dilate 1 cm per hour which would mean 5 hours at the least that we would have to wait before we began pushing. Like I said, we had come with fully charged devices and told our family members to prepare for a long day. This being said, we were fairly surprised when Colleen suggested I sit up and "push a little" to get the baby into the birth canal. Little did I know that after I sat up there would be no more laying down during this labor. When Colleen checked me again I was already 8 cm dilated, so at 9 a.m. Brandon called Kara and Mom and told them they better hurry because John Mark would likely be there sooner than later.

Very soon after that call, we began to push. I had read that labor was called labor because it is in fact hard work. However, I knew that I'd be having an epidural so I wasn't really sure how that would really be in real life. Turns out that epidural or not, labor is, in fact, hard work. Colleen would have me push three times for 10 seconds each during my contractions. Because the contractions were coming so hard and fast there wasn't much time to rest in between. While I originally liked our nurse, she was fast becoming my not-so-favorite person...she was now Drill Sergeant Colleen. On my first few trial pushes, she informed me that if I was going to push like "that" then we would be here "all day." She would coach me through a push and give me a look like "you're gonna have to do better than that." I know that this was her personality and that she didn't know it would annoy me so much, but I need more positivity than that! I'd tell Brandon in between pushes how I needed him to be my cheerleader and be more positive, which he was already doing, but I was really trying to send Colleen a message. Finally after some good pushes she caught on and started cheering for me with Brandon.

Even though her attitude improved, mine did not. About 30 minutes in, I told them that I could just not do this and that we better go ahead and plan for a C-section. She found this pretty funny since most women (especially with their first babies) have 16 hour+ labors. She told me that if I kept it up he'd be here in 3-4 hours. This, I thought, I simply could not do. It was about 10:30 when I begged for the C-section, so I asked her, "If I push my absolute hardest and do my absolute best when is the soonest that he could possibly be here?" She cocked her head to the side and said, "If you really push hard, he could be here by 11:30-12:00." I glanced at the clock and decided that if they really weren't going to let me have a break or have a C-section then I'd really have to buckle down. Pretty soon, I was a pushing champ and I heard the nurse call the doctor. By the time Doctor Heidi arrived, she barely had time to put on her scrubs and gloves before I was going to push him out on my own. Sure enough, John Mark was born at 11:09 a.m. Take that, Colleen!

It's all kind of hazy after that. I remember being so elated that labor was over that I was almost as excited about that as I was about meeting my baby. However, when they threw that warm, wet, purple baby on my chest I completely forgot about the labor. For the second time in my life, I fell in love.

I feel like this blog hasn't really captured the true emotions of the day, but keep in mind I'm a little sleep deprived and writing this has been challenging. Rest assured that it was the most special day of our lives thus far and that we love our son more than we ever knew we would! Hopefully a picture is worth a thousand words and from this one below you can get the idea :)