Marveling & Misery

Our limb of the family tree is pretty small. Having lost my precious grandmother ("Mimi") when I was ten and living many states away from my father's parents, we had always been a small family. However, when we lost my dad seven years ago that family tree limb got even shorter, so events involving family tend to bring bubbling questions to the surface. While we were reminiscing about childhood and our lives after the reunion we attended this weekend, Mom, Kara, and I started to ask questions like: Why don't we have a big family? Why did we have to lose our dad and grandmother long before we should have? Kara then looked at me and asked, "What are the Oprah answers to these questions?"

While at Oprah's "Life You Want" Tour (yes, I'm aware of how ridiculous and cheesy it sounds), I got to hear four incredible motivational speakers in addition to Oprah. The person that immediately popped into my head when Kara asked that was Rob Bell. Here are some notes I took while listening to him speak:

• Suffering raises big questions, but so do grace, mystery, and breath.
• Success/failure, Good/bad, Right/wrong, Victory/defeat, Yes/no...Not all life's moments can be put into these categories.
• We rush to resolve problems, but it's in the mess where interesting things happen.
• You have received. God chose to be generous with you.
• Don't spend time analyzing why something went down the way it did. You are here.
• Get to the root of what the first word spoken about you is (which is that you are worthy of life) and embrace the life you already have. You are living.

The thing that stuck with me the most though was, "Suffering raises big questions, but so do grace, mystery, and breath." What this means to me is that we spend a lot of time in the wake of tragedy (and even months, years, and decades after tragedy) asking questions like "Why did this happen to me?" I think it's completely normal to be asking these questions; however, he pointed out that we have many more things to question other than why tragedy and suffering occurs. For instance, we should be asking ourselves questions like: Why am I so blessed? Why am I here? How did I end up with such an amazing job, partner, child, home, etc.? How/why did that miracle happen? How/why am I alive? I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that we are here and we are miraculous and many more amazing, wondrous, unanswerable things have happened in our lives than the tragedies we have suffered.

I realize that this sentiment to a person suffering from tragedy or who is still trying to answer the question of "why did this happen to me?" is awfully annoying. I get it. Positivity can be annoying. We can't be positive all the time. We can't expect people not to grieve, or to question, or to get annoyed and frustrated. However, I just think we need to balance the time we spend thinking about suffering and blessings.

Tomorrow my dad will have been gone seven long years. Many momentous things have happened that I wish he were here for. I could spend tomorrow wallowing and thinking about the injustice of it all, but I don't think that's what my dad would want me to do. After hearing that talk and thinking long on that quote "Suffering raises big questions, but so do grace, mystery, and breath," I'm thinking that tomorrow should be the day when I count my blessings and think about how, even though I've suffered tragedy, I have far more amazing, miraculous things in my life that deserve marveling. I'm not talking about just being grateful for being alive (which alone deserves to be marveled), but about all the other amazing, seemingly unexplainable good things that have happened in my life and are still happening in my life.

As I write this I am aware of how cheesy and silly this sounds, but you all know it's the truth. Even if it's not the truth or you don't think it is, what choices do you have? You can try to remain positive and marvel at the AWEsome things in your life, or you can lament things of the past. Which is a more enjoyable way to live? It's pretty clear where I'm headed with this. I'm thinking that on the days when we feel like it the least, we need to sit back and look at where we are, how we got to this point, and the blessings we have and marvel at how life works and how "everything is unfolding as it should." I bet if you really think about it, some amazing realizations will happen.

Baby Steps

It's been a really long time since I've posted. I guess we've just been wrapped up in living life. There isn't as much down time as there was a year ago to date, so not as much time to blog.

John Mark is changing all the time. It's so fun just to watch him play. The best part about watching a child grow up is, "seeing the world through their eyes." I'd heard it before I had a child, but it never made as much sense as it does to me now. I could watch him do just about anything. He loves simple things like splashing in water, watching me screw and unscrew a lid from a bottle, and making noises with various kitchen objects. Toddlers definitely live a "stop and smell the roses" kind of life - appreciating (and banging) the simple things.


It wasn't that long ago, that he was a little baby, barely able to do any of those things. I remember being at a mommy group when he was four months old and looking at the walking toddlers running around getting into trouble being in straight up denial that that would ever be my kid. I remember going to lunch with a girlfriend with a toddler and being completely oblivious to the fact that in a short while, my child would be the one spilling his drink, purposefully dropping food off the table, or squirming to get out of his chair. It was hard to imagine the sweet angelic thing cooing in his carrier car seat propped up at the table would ever be the cause of so much chaos.

Being a parent to a newborn is probably one of the most challenging things you can ever do. However, even though there's the night waking, bottle washing, and repeated paci placing, they're just so predictable and that, in a way, makes them way easier than toddlers. Between now and his first birthday four months ago, he has really changed. Now that we are in 16 month territory, things are remarkably different. He's curious, loud, fast (I'm now considering one of those backpack leashes, haha!), whiny, demanding, and yet completely adorable and cuddly at the same time.

I know I have touched on this theme in previous blogs: the things that are hard about one phase, are easier in the next, but with each new awesome, easy thing comes some unpredictable, challenging thing. Take feeding for example. I love that he can feed himself (working on forks and spoons and getting better all the time) and that's certainly an improvement from 45 minute nursing sessions; however, now that he's older and can eat and drink himself, it looks like Brandon and I might never drink our own drinks again since he's obsessed with cups, straws, and screw top water bottles. We are just learning as we go :)

One thing I am learning a lot about as I adjust to being the mother of a toddler and not a baby is that you definitely shouldn't pass judgement on other moms. Even though I knew that theoretically, it sure was easy to sit with my sweet newborn baby and think, "I'll never do that" or "My baby will never do that," you really have no idea what you will do or what things will actually be like. Toddlers are just...complicated. They're awesome and so much fun, but you never really know what will make them happy, what will upset them, or how long they'll be able to sit without having a meltdown. I know I sound high maintenance when I try to calculate naps or predict his fussy times, but I'm only trying to minimize the chaos. Having a toddler is challenging enough without them being fussy on top of things, so sticking to a loose schedule (no matter how cliche or mommy-ish is sounds) is the best way to keep things pleasant. 

Having your first baby is definitely hard, but when you settle in and get used to it, things aren't too bad. From about 4 months to 13 months (or walking age), things are fairly easy. You can go to restaurants, the mall, and pretty much anywhere strollers are allowed. Now that John Mark won't sit in a high chair or a stroller, things are getting a little hairy and, from what we hear, things will be like this until he's about 3 or 4.

Parenting seems to be all about baby steps. The beginning is rough, but then little by little you get used to handling the harder stuff. If you'd plopped me right in the middle of Toddlerville without having done the newborn phase, I don't think I'd be ready. I'm curious about what is next on the list of good stuff and not-so-good stuff that still lies ahead of us. One mom at school told me to enjoy these young days now because eventually there will be spend the night parties, late night baseball games, homework and studying, birthday parties, and so on. It scared me to think about how much more life with a child will change our lives more than it has already. I guess we'll just keep taking it one step at a time!

Our Wedding: A Look Back

I've always said that if you have a wonderful wedding, but no pictures to prove it, it's like it never really happened. For that reason, having lots of photos and a good wedding photographer was really important to me. However, I've realized that once the wedding happens and you get your CD back you are going to be blessed with more pictures than you know what to do with. In fact, last Christmas we were at my mother-in-law's house and she had up pictures that I didn't even remember. You can't possibly print them all, you know? Plus, on top of the CD, you have all the ones your friends took, etc. Anyway, I decided that it would be a good way to remember this wonderful day to have some of my favorite pictures to music (our wedding song).

Sometimes You Feel Like a Mom...Sometimes You Don't

When I was a kid, I thought that when you grew up, you got to change your name to something "grown up." It's not like anyone told me that that would be the case, but I think I just assumed that Kathy (my mother's name) and Helen (my grandmother's name) were not possibly names you could give to a baby, so the logical conclusion was that, at some point, you got to pick your grown up name. For some reason, I planned on naming myself Mary. That doesn't sound particularly grown up to me now, but apparently it sounded like a good idea at the time.

I don't remember having an idea about at what particular age this name changing ceremony leading me into adulthood would take place, but looking back in my life there were probably some distinct times where I thought, "This is it, I'm finally a grown up." Getting my Volvo at sixteen, going off to college at eighteen (4 hours away), getting my own real job at twenty two, buying a house at twenty seven, or marrying at twenty nine. However, when I look back on those times (and my responsibilities at those times), I can't say that those are distinctly the age where I turned into an adult. Is becoming a mother the official passage way? I'm not completely sold on that idea.

Check out my sweet Volvo:

My mom told me once (when I was younger), that my grandmother said to her that her brain was the same as when she was younger. My mom said that she felt that way too. That was hard for me to process because, in my mind, they both were in fact grown ups with bills, houses, cars, and, perhaps most important of all, all the "say" when it came to arguments with teenage daughters. And all those things definitely meant that they were adults and that their brains were different than mine.

I didn't understand what she meant back then, but I think I do now. I think she meant that, as amazing as motherhood is, it doesn't mean you're all of a sudden a pulled together adult with a sophisticated brain that is too much different than a teenage mind. Motherhood doesn't give you all the answers and, even though you become more selfless, the urge to put your needs above your child's is always lurking in the background even though it's not always entertained. 

For example, most of the time I love hanging out with John Mark. When he was little I would make Brandon switch weekend mornings with me so that I could sleep in. Over time (as he became more fun and started sleeping later), I just decided that I would get up with him both mornings. I could easily sleep in and let Brandon get him, but I'm an early riser and John Mark is much less work these days. My point is, mornings or otherwise, I could leave John Mark with Brandon anytime to go do whatever I want, but I opt not to because being a mom is pretty fun these days.

This last weekend, I decided to forgo the laundry and other nap time responsibilities, and go to Target. I had the best time. It was so easy and carefree. I'd forgotten what it was like to drive without a toddler squirming and screaming for his paci behind me (this challenge is only second to eating out at this age, which is actually pretty easy in all other arenas). My excursion was so great that that afternoon I went to the mall. 

Every mom (at least on daytime T.V.) talks about how they put their kids before themselves (to their own detriment usually). I can't say I'm not one of those moms, but I'm not saying that in a martyr kind of way. It really just sneaks up on you and, for the most part, you don't mind until all of a sudden you realize that you haven't bought yourself any new clothes since he was born, or that it didn't even occur to you to get a pedicure or haircut until it was way overdue. Maybe motherhood did make me an adult more so than other events in my life thus far, but there are definitely moments where I do crave alone time, money for frivolous things (without saving for he future, yada yada), or the ease of planning social time on a whim (without having to figure out childcare). Maybe the transition was just easy for me since I've always had a flair for being the "mom" of the group and truly, cardigans has always been my thing.

Regardless of what got me here,my pre-motherhood brain is still in here somewhere. It's funny how I don't really feel as different as I expected myself to feel now that I'm an "adult." Have I earned my grown up name yet? Has the name "Kristin" found its way to the Grown Up Name List? Is there another life event that is still unknown to me that will magically transform me into a child's version of an adult? What would child-Kristin, teenage-Kristin, or college-Kristin think of the adult version? All I know is that I like who I am now and that I'm still me. I'm not boring (or at least not to myself) and life is still fun...just a different kind of fun. 

I'll probably be trying to explain the same thing to my teenager one day...That our brains really aren't all that different after all. We want pretty similar things: fun nights out with friends, weekend getaways with boys, and maybe some sweet wine coolers too, haha :)

Found this gem from my high school scrapbook. It's pretty clear we thought we were pretty grown up back then!

A One Year Update

Back when I was pinning first birthday ideas, I came across this really cool idea to do on a birthday. He had a blast rolling around in the balloons.

He hit his head on the bar, but it didn't slow him down long. 

Between the static hair and the bar mark on his face, this feels like a Pinterest project fail. At least it captured real life!

This was after we were finished. He clearly wasn't ready to stop. 

I never really got around to taking those pictures before his birthday. It's a little deceiving that he has on a birthday outfit, but better late than never, right? That goes for this blog as well.

We just went to visit baby Abigail for the first time. She and John Mark share a birthday exactly one year apart. Visiting new baby and new mommy, Tami, got me thinking back on the early days and how much things have changed. Tami will sometimes ask me questions or I'll read them on the mommy facebook group I'm in, and I'll have to really think hard how to answer the question. It's like a bunch of the things I did and learned and tried all just fell out of my head. I also have a really hard time recalling when certain milestones happened, so it's good that I kept track of most of them on our monthly photos. However, I realize that I've forgotten some along the way because they didn't seem relevant at the time.

 

In one more year I am sure that things will have changed even more and I'll say the same thing looking back over his second year, so I thought it might be a good idea to write about what things are like right now.

Currently John Mark's bedtime is around 7 p.m. As much as I look forward to putting him down and getting a little "me" time, I really look forward to the mornings when I get to wake him up. He sleeps from 7 p.m. until 6:30 (on weekdays) with not so much as a peep. After 12 hours without seeing him, I'm always excited to climb the stairs and say good morning. He pretty much takes after his dad because  he's not the biggest fan of mornings. Usually I'll rub his back and he'll eventually wake up. On weekends, he will sleep as late as 9 a.m. and when he does wake, he usually plays alone in his crib until we go get him. What a blessing!

Before:

After:

The hardest part of my weekday morning is getting him dressed. He's such a little wiggle worm and if you were listening from the bottom of the stairs, you'd think I was murdering him. It doesn't take long, but by the time those few minutes are over I'm usually sweating off my freshly applied makeup. It's a very stressful situation! Here we are trying a selfie after getting ready.

After that, we hop in the car and he drinks his milk in his carseat on the way (Daddy prepares sippies, breakfast, and his book bag when he wakes up). It's a blessing that when we arrive at the daycare, he's excited to see his teachers and reaches for them and waves. He usually goes right for the push toy or grocery cart. In fact, I can't recall a day where he didn't make a bee-line for it as soon as his feet hit the floor. He eats breakfast (that we prepare) and lunch (that they prepare) at the school. I'm so grateful to have a place I trust and that is convenient. After dropping him off at 7 a.m., it's only minutes before I arrive at school.

Even though I love picking him up in the mornings, there's no better part of my day than when I pick him up from daycare. I feel at peace while John Mark is at school because he loves it and I love my work, but when I walk in that door and he squeals for joy when he lays eyes on me, it makes me realize how much I've missed him all day. My mom said that I used to cry when she picked me up from daycare...I hope that this day never comes with John Mark.

Lately I've been picking him up pretty close to 3:30 because, even though he takes two 2-3 hour naps on weekends, he just cannot nap at daycare. We come home and he naps from about 4:00-5:30. This is great because it lets me work on work that I can't do at school because I'm leaving so early and it lets me get a head start on laundry and dinner (and maybe blog a little, haha). When Daddy gets home around 5:30, we have dinner and play for a while before it's time for bath. He loves playing with Brandon and one of his favorite things is sitting in his lap.

Usually we eat in the kitchen, but on occasion we eat in the living room. The dogs love John Mark. Rephrase: The dogs love eating after John Mark. Before baby, they'd never had "people food." Now I'm just grateful that there's someone following behind helping clean up!

After that, he loves to play on the pillows on our bed while we run the bath and get him ready. I know a lot of babies love bath time and I'm not saying John Mark doesn't like it, but he seems a little indifferent about it. As you can see by the picture, he is surrounded by baby bath toys, but always prefers non-toy items (this goes for in and out of the tub).

All in all, life is pretty awesome these days. He's such a great and easy kid. We feel so blessed and we talk all the time about how we hope the next one is as easy as he is. I heard about a couple who won the lottery 3 times, so I guess it's possible. I wonder how likely it is though. Most moms I know say that if they'd had their second baby first, they never would've had a second. I hope that we break the trend (even though that's a long way off).

For now, we will just enjoy him and life as it is!

ABC's John Mark Style

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John Mark is ONE (and he's not the only one who's changed...)

As I write this, my friend, Tami, is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her sweet Abigail. I remember the anxiousness so well. Every moment was just dripping with anticipation. I had seen the sweet photos of him on the ultrasound and I had felt him in my stomach as he rolled and kicked. The idea that I would ever meet the sweet boy was very surreal. She has had a long labor already, but soon she will know the same joy that we know and that all this "It'll be worth it" stuff will finally ring true for her!

With all the excitement about Abigail's impending arrival and John Mark's birthday tomorrow, I can't stop replaying a year ago in my head. Here's a little flashback to our life last year:

 
                                       

There have been many special "firsts" like his first smile, first words, and first time to crawl. We're still celebrating firsts all the time. Recently he stood up for the first time without help. Each time he does something new, we marvel at it and then before you know it we barely remember what life was like before he could ___. Here's a good look at how he's grown and changed over the year...

                                      

* 12 month photo coming soon*

When we started to plan John Mark's first birthday, I started to think that in addition to celebrating his first year of life, what we really need to be celebrating is that we survived the first year. This is a major accomplishment and John Mark isn't the only one that's changed...

1. We are more efficient. We do everything we did before (work full time jobs, shop, take care of house, spend time with friends and family, etc.) and yet we find time to still be parents. I look back on the days before John Mark and I remember doing what I wanted, when I wanted. Pick up and go to the mall? Head out for dinner? Work a few extra hours on the weekend? Anything we wanted to do, we pretty much could. We somehow make it all work, but it just takes extra effort. I look back on the time pre-baby and think about how much time I wasted. If you thought I was efficient before, then you should see me now! This one really leads nicely to #2...

2. We are more selfless. Now, this one didn't come without a few growing pains. How could it not? We've only had to take care of ourselves for 31 years. Having such a tiny little thing rely on you for the most basic of functions is overwhelming, yet rewarding. Sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to give him ibuprofen or cutting a weekend nap short or saying "no" to something we don't have a sitter for stings a little, but ultimately neither of us would change a thing. This is one of those things you think you can't do until you've done it. We love him so much that it makes doing all of those things easy.

3. We are cheesy and obsessed with our child. I only post about half of the photos that I want to on Facebook, so I don't overwhelm everyone (and even then, I'm sure I still do overwhelm people). We text each other when he does something new and take videos of him just being him. We never thought we'd use our "baby voice" as much as we do. We could sit and marvel at him for a long time. Every baby has similar milestones, but you'd never think you'd care about the smallest thing like putting a paci in his mouth, drinking from his own cup, or rolling over. We love it all! Watching him do something new never gets old.

4. We love each other more and we are better spouses to each other. Before baby, we were two people who came together to spend a life together. Even though we shared a home and bills and responsibilities, there was still a great deal of independence. However, we need each other now more than ever and we are more "interdependent" now. In order to carve out some much needed alone time, to make better use of time (i.e. get out the door in the morning, etc.), and to just make life flow easier and more pleasantly, we have to rely on each other. This hasn't been easy either, but we are working on it. Being a parent can be a big stressor on a relationship, but we love each other through the hard times and I can easily say that I love him more than I did even on our wedding day.

5. Last and most important: Our capacity to love has changed. I know everyone says it, but I am saying it anyway: you never thought you could love another human so much. I really love Brandon, I really do. However, the love for your child is something completely different. I love to listen to his giggles, watch him learn, and do the simplest of things. The most exciting part of my day is when I walk in to the room at daycare, and he heads towards me in a fast and furious crawl. Can't imagine life without that little smile!