Initiation into Motherhood

Back when John Mark was a new born, I think I felt fairly motherly, and even though life changed drastically, I could still go out shopping, to eat at restaurants, and to grocery stores with little change than what life was like before. This "carrier" stage was nice because you could tote him anywhere you wanted and he pretty much just slept or sat there peacefully. Now that we are "post-carrier" and he's more mobile, life is pretty different. At the time I'm sure I was thinking, "Gosh, I can't wait until he's out of this carrier so I don't have to lug it around anymore." However, now I'm thinking, "Man, I'd love to have him just sit peacefully in his carrier like he used to." I'm pretty sure we raved about what a good baby he was, but looking back that seems pretty ridiculous: of course he was good when he was confined to his baby seat or couldn't protest about what he couldn't reach, etc.! Need a visual? Here's what I'm talking about!

For me, each stage brings a more "mommy-ish" feeling. Now that we are into real solids (not purees anymore), we are toting around cheerios, veggie straws, and yogurt bites. We also carry around sippy cups, fix juice and use baby gates. The house definitely has a more "a baby lives here" vibe. Parenthood now matches more of the view portrayed on television (think Debra in Everybody Loves Raymond or better yet, Kate in John and Kate Plus Eight - okay, okay, it's not that bad, but you get the idea). Well, apparently Cheerios, juice cups, and baby gates aren't the only signs of motherhood. How about baby vomit all over you in a restaurant? Does it get more "mommy" than that?

Monday night I met Steph at Buffalo Wild Wings with John Mark. He seemed pretty normal and I fed him several snacks to keep him occupied. Towards the end of dinner, he was sitting on my lap and he got sick all over me (thanks for hanging in there, Steph!). Luckily, he was wearing overalls, so they caught a good bit of it. I stayed at home with him on Tuesday as he recovered what we thought was a stomach bug. Long story short, I took him to the doctor today and he has the flu. The crazy thing is that he had his flu shot a week before he caught the flu, but it takes two weeks for the shot to offer protection. The doctor said it was obvious that the shot was working at least some because he has never gotten a fever and he seems to feel okay other than his gastro-intestinal issues. Here he is after we got home from the doctor today. Thank goodness for our Angel Care motion monitor or I would probably think he wasn't breathing! (Don't worry, I moved him once he was fast asleep).

Aside from getting thrown up on multiple times, the laundry has certainly played its role in my initiation (or hazing) into motherhood. I don't think I could've gotten through this ordeal without our "Ulimate Crib Sheet." It attaches to the crib bars and allows you to easily change a dirty sheet without taking off bumpers and having to strip the bed every time they make a mess. The key is having two of them so that you can have one to put on when you take the dirty off. I keep thinking it's my last time to change the sheets for a while, but I've been proved wrong several times already. Thank goodness for these things! If you're a new mom, go out and buy you TWO of these right now! You won't be thankful until the first time your baby is sick, but when that happens you won't be sorry!

Since the beginning of this ordeal, it's undeniable that mommy-hood is taking it's full effect. If you have a young baby, cherish the time where they aren't mobile and nap a lot. I love my baby more than words can say, but nap time gets a close second on days like these!

For Tami & Matt: Advice for New Parents

My dear friend Tami and her husband, Matt, will be greeting little Abigail Annmarie sometime in February. Actually, her due date is 2 days before John Mark's birthday. At first I thought it would be cool if they shared a birthday, but then I realized that in order for that to happen, she'd have to go 2 days over her due date and I don't wish that agony (physically or emotionally) on any expectant mom.

Anyway, I guess being wrapped up in my own budding little baby, I haven't been very good about answering her pregnancy questions. First of all, I figure just about everything is "normal" for an expecting mom (swollen parts, weird pains, and a myriad of other physical ailments), but also with the internet being the vast resource that it is, many times I told her to "google it" if I was at work and didn't have the time to answer. This wasn't very nice and, since Tami learns best from other's experiences rather than reading from books or "googling it," I figured I'd take the time to write down some tidbits that will be helpful to her when little Abi arrives.

1) Take your own pillow to the hospital. You'll be glad you did.

2) When the birth certificate paperwork asks for the father's name, be sure to put Matt's name and not Matt's dad's name. This Brandon and I learned the hard way. You can call yourself "daddy" all throughout the pregnancy, but when the moment finally comes, it seems a little weird and official to call yourself a "father" especially on paperwork.

3) If you want to breastfeed, you'll likely have to pump (to boost supply, practice with bottles, etc.). I'm reminded of this episode from Friends, when she received one at her shower. I remember thinking, "What the heck?!" Even when I was pregnant, I wasn't really sure what the purpose was or how to use it, but you'll eventually be all too familiar. My biggest tip: Every time you use your pump, there is no need to wash and sterilize all the parts. Get a Tupperware container and keep it in the fridge with a paper towel in the bottom. Store the unwashed pieces in the fridge all day. Since breast milk is good in the fridge for up to 5 days, if you wash your pump pieces once a day you'll be totally fine. I prefer the dishwasher. I wish someone had told me this sooner...this info should really come on the pump package or be part of your discharge info at the hospital!

4) Sleep when the baby sleeps. I don't think y'all will have a hard time with this, but just in case you'd rather do dishes or "wipe things down" (like I did), remember that nighttime will be coming soon and it won't be the same kind of nights you had pre-baby.

5) Swaddle. Swaddle. Swaddle. Tight. Tight. Tight. The key to this is that even though you think your baby wants her arms out (yes, she will try to get them out), but the truth is that she doesn't. Just trust me. Combine this with a sound machine (loud), paci and/or a swing, and you're good. I know you aren't really into reading books, but I learned everything I learned from Happiest Baby on the Block and it made Brandon and I the happiest parents on the block. And, just so you know, they do have DVDs in case you're not into a book. I strongly suggest, though, if you're going to read it, do so before she comes.

6) I know Matt is going to be a great dad, but there will be times where he does not know what to do to help you. Tell him. Tell him in specific words what he can to do make life easier. Don't say, "help more," because that will only confuse him. Say, "Bring me a glass of water. I need the remote. Change her clothes. Start the wash. Here, could you breastfeed her for me?" haha :)

7) Brandon has never been very big on poop diapers. I think that is the worse part of parenting for him. Well, I really hate unloading and loading the dishwasher (and the dishwasher might even be a more important appliance than your baby swing or coffee maker). So, Brandon changed all the wet diapers when he was home as long as I always did the dirties. Also, while I rocked John Mark to bed, Brandon would always load and unload the dishwasher. My point is this, make a plan that you both like. Have a task that he does and will always be his. Make deals. This cuts down on the <yawn> talking and <yawn> communicating that will need to be going on between the two of you to make things work.

8) Go out. Get fresh air. Drive to the mall, go to Walmart. Anywhere. You'll want to stay home, but you'll be glad you did go out. People will see your messy hair, milk stained shirt, and baby carrier and give you a look that is 30% pity and 70% envy (because, like everyone will tell you, "You'll turn around one day and they'll be leaving for college! Enjoy every moment!"). Beware, though: people won't treat you as well as they did when you're pregnant, glowing, and don't need much help. Lugging that baby carrier around might get a couple of people to open doors for you, but don't be surprised if you feel more invisible than you did when you were cute and pregnant.

9) Take lots of photos and videos. They literally change right before your eyes. I know you'll take lots of pictures, but take video too. I used to love watching the videos back even right after I took them. Pictures just don't capture it like your smart phone can. In most of my videos from his younger days, you can hear my pump whirring and beeping. Also, be sure to get in some of the photos yourself. You won't like them in the moment, but as time passes, you'll be glad that you captured the reality of the early days.

10) As my mom always told me to remember: "This to shall pass." It's all about survival and the early days are the hardest. However, about every 4 weeks things get a little easier (4, 8, 12...). Just do me a favor though: after like 15 weeks, start going by months. I do not want to hear that your baby is 53 weeks when they're over a year, haha!

11) Get yourself some Gripe Water. My friend, Christy, told me about this stuff and she said she was worried that her daughter might have to go to Gripe Water Anonymous meetings. "Hello, my name is John Mark and I'm addicted to gripe water." Seriously though, it's pretty magical. Fill up the syringe, squirt it in her mouth, and have the paci on hand to shove in right when she's done slurping it up. Works like a charm on hiccups when you've exhausted all your ideas to get her to stop crying.

12) Practice your math skills. You'll be constantly figuring out when she needs to eat and scheduling your life around it. For instance, if you have a doctor's appointment at 10 a.m. and it takes 30 minutes to get there and you have to nurse, pump, get her ready, get yourself ready, load the car, etc. then you need to subtract all that time from 10 a.m. In order to be sure you have 3 hours to get home again before feeding her, it's best to feed her as close to when you leave the house as possible. I also suggest buying an app to keep track of diapers, sleep, doctors visits, etc. My favorite was Baby Connect. Best $4.99 I ever spent. Only thing I would change about the app is add a place for you to enter the last time you had a shower and alert you if it had been longer than 48 hours.

13) Every mom is full of tips. These are just mine. These are what worked for us. Aside from the pump-pieces-in-the-fridge trick, you're welcome to disregard all the advice listed here. Abigail will be a different baby and you just have to do what works. Of course, you have to be informed and listen to your doctor, but much of it will come from your gut. One last tip: If someone tells you something you don't want to do or don't agree with, just lie and tell them that the pediatrician said your way is fine. They'll never know. Just go with the flow and do what is right for y'all.

I may not have been good about answering your pregnancy questions, but I'm in the thick of this mommy thing and I can empathize. I only have one rule: do not text me about baby poop (frequency, color, smell, lack of frequency, and so on). If you do, I will tell you that when it comes to poop, everything is normal, and if you don't believe me then, "google it." Here are some resources in case you don't believe me: Baby Poop Info by Photos and Baby Poop 101. Happy studying! Take notes, they'll be a quiz later!

Addition:

I just want to point out one more thing. I know you are excited about motherhood and all that comes with it. You're probably picturing something like this.

 However, the truth is that most the time it will look a little more like this:

I know you're going to love her and all, but I think it's really important that new moms know that it's okay to be tired or frustrated.

Things They Don't Tell You

Brandon rarely posts to Facebook, so when he does I know it must be something he thinks is important or really funny. When I saw he had posted an article about parenting, I was intrigued. I quickly clicked and read. I think this article is really funny, and also important because new parents need to know what's normal and this article certainly helps make parents feel normal in a new era of their lives. Here's the link:

The [31] Things They Really Don't Tell You When You Have a Baby

I'm going to add some of my own:

32. Your baby will prefer non-toy items over actual toys (remote, baby hair brush, collapsible canvas crates...). They also love tags on any item; unless that item is a real baby toy covered in tags intended for babies to play with. In that case, the tags will be far less appealing.

33. No matter how organized you are, you (and your spouse) will become absent minded and possibly miss your 9 month old doctor's appointment even though you had notes posted everywhere. You'll consider writing yourself notes to remind yourself to look at your notes.

34. Even though you may restrain yourself when your baby is really young, when they get older and cuter your facebook is transformed into your mombook and you just can't stop posting pictures. You won't mind if people unfriend you or hide you from their feed. You'll be "that mom" and you won't care.

35. Unless your baby clothes are very organized and your a psychic who knows what size your baby will be wearing in which season, you will miss the opportunity for your child to wear certain outfits. The fact that sizes vary among brands only makes this more likely to happen to you.

36. For all the time you spend in the Ladies Room before your baby is born, you'll balance that out with significantly less visits once your baby is here. You will find out that you can wait longer than you thought before finally going. You'll get so involved with what you're doing, that you put some things on the back burner until baby is asleep. 

37. Even though you hated it when people did it to you, you will tell expecting moms to "sleep now" and "just wait."

38. You will not be able to focus on T.V. even when it appears that you are watching. You'll have to watch shows like Ellen, Chopped, Modern Family reruns, and other shows that you can go in and out of paying attention to and still enjoy. Previously enjoyed shows like Dateline, 48 Hours, and shows with a plot that needs to be carefully followed will not be as easy to enjoy.

39. Even if it embarrasses your husband, you will sniff your baby's bottom in public. You'll do anything to avoid an unnecessary visit to the restroom for a diaper change. This is especially true in winter when pants, shoes, and socks make diaper changing more challenging than usual.

40. Your DVR will be full, but your fridge will be empty.

41. When it comes to parenting, you'll adopt a "never say never" attitude because you cannot predict what you will or will not do when yours and your baby's happiness and comfort is at stake.



Here's the text from the Huffington Post, 10/26/2013. I highlighted the ones that I found especially true:

As an expectant mom or new mom, you have seen this list in some form before. The "things that no one tells you." Well, most of those lists are missing something. These are some of those missing gems.
1. It will take you at least five hours to watch a movie at home.
2. You will rush through all of your meals as if you were in an eating contest.
3. Sometimes, your baby will be in plain sight when you have sex. And he/she might not be sleeping. Yes, that means watching you.
4. You will compare and contrast your baby against all others and think yours is the Best. Baby. Ever.
5. Things that seem overpriced and worthless end up being what your baby loves most (Toy Bar - $34, Sophie le Giraffe - $20, Happy Baby - priceless).
6. Since your baby wants to mimic you, you will be forced to hand over expensive electronics and pray that they won't be ruined.
7. You think your parents will help out, but they won't be nearly as helpful as you hope.
8. You will become an adult and your non-adult friends will fade away.
9. You will think a lot about your relationship with your parents and notice how you are paradoxically becoming them and reacting against them.
10. No matter how great your relationship is with your spouse, you will experience more conflict than you ever did before.
11. You will be embarrassed and humbled by cleaning up poop, experiencing your child screaming in public and/or being that person who is slowing everyone down/getting in the way.
12. You will love your partner more than ever. Especially when daily sacrifices become acts of heroism.
13. You will hate your partner more than ever. Especially when you are bleary-eyed and under-appreciated. So basically, most of the time. You'll have to tap into reserves of love, patience and tolerance you never knew you had.
14. You will make noises you did not know were possible in an effort to elicit a smile from your baby. Some of those sounds will be obscene.
15. You will learn that the symptoms of sleep deprivation closely resemble severe mental illness.
16. Being asleep by 10 and awake at 6 on a Saturday night has never seemed so glamorous.
17. Your newfound interest in poop will frighten you. When, how much, color, consistency -- you may talk about poop more than anything else.
18. You will realize that you never knew this kind of deep love until now.
19. Your breasts are no longer your partner's (or yours).
20. You'll find yourself making up ridiculous songs with running commentary on your every move.
21. You will have the highest highs and the lowest lows, possibly all within microseconds of each other.
22. Although you may have appreciated oldies before, you will now catch yourself humming or singing nursery rhymes and ditties from the baby's toys.
23. No matter how much baby-proofing you do, your baby will find the one thing you didn't baby-proof.
24. No matter how good your intentions are, keeping up with your baby book is nearly impossible.
25. No one can truly prepare you for what will happen to your body. Hemorrhoids. Stretch Marks. Muffin Top.
26. You are so worried about what your child eats, how much, when, etc. you can forget to eat yourself. Or there is just no time to eat. You may find yourself standing in front of the fridge holding your baby and stuffing string cheese into your mouth.
27. Taking care of your baby will swallow up all your time. You may go days without showering.
28. It's hard to talk about anything other than baby. If you somehow manage to go on a date with your partner and make a concerted effort to avoid the subject, you will probably be rewarded with some awkward silences.
29. You become insanely paranoid. Every toy, blanket, crib, etc. is a potential threat to your baby's well-being.
30. You find that "parenting" joins religion, politics and sex as topics unfit for polite conversation (but poop is allowed!).
31. You think airport security sucked before?

By:

Cara Paiuk

Poking the Bear

"Poking the Bear." That's the text message I sent to Brandon with this picture this morning. It was John Mark's first time in the basket without his carrier/carseat. "Poking the Bear" is the phrase Brandon uses to describe a situation when I'm trying something that he doesn't think I should try because the current way is "working just fine." Below is an example of me, not "poking the bear." Don't judge: you'd do it to if you and your baby were both exhausted after work/daycare and you didn't want to risk waking him (don't worry, I didn't go far). In this case, I let the "sleeping dogs lie."

Babies grow so fast. Everyone says it and it's true, "just when you get used to one stage, something new comes along." You can never really "settle in" because things are constantly changing. While I am always eager for the new stage (mostly because it means new baby gear and new discoveries in Buy Buy Baby and the Target baby aisle), Brandon is always more hesitant. However, if we did things Brandon's way and never poked the bear, we'd have a 7 month old who still slept beside our bed in the pack-n-play. Here he is looking adorable in the nursery we worked so hard on (and didn't use for the first 5 months).

One of the biggest changes we've experienced lately is slowly letting go of the infant carrier (a nervous mom's safety net). It was necessary in the beginning when we knew he might fall asleep during dinner or quietly play with a toy, but that's no longer the case. We were so used to lugging in that heavy thing into restaurants, but even Brandon was relieved when we finally realized that he was ready for a high chair.

Even though the high chair was an easy transition, getting him into his stroller without the carrier wasn't as easy. It was a little complicated to figure out, but I'm glad we finally mastered it. I think John Mark likes his stroller more this way.

To other people who see him a few times a month, he looks like he's growing so fast, but when you see him everyday, you just don't notice it the same. Sometimes you just look down and realize it's time for the next thing and it might have been for a while, but you were so caught up in the moment you didn't even realize his feet were hanging out of the carseat, or that he outgrew that stack of clothes you were waiting on him to fit into, or that he's ready for stage 2 foods and the purees he's been eating are far too runny, or that he's ready for the next size up in diapers or that he's a little big for his sink sized bath tub (it's going to take me a long time to give up our Puj tub...I just love that thing too much! Who cares if it's for 0-6 months??). 

I'm really glad I've been keeping track of milestones along with his monthly pictures, however, I've realized over time that there were things I left off. I probably left them off because they seemed so much a part of our "new normal" at the time that it didn't stand out as significant or because they happened so gradually (i.e. when he started sleeping in his crib, when he was wearing what sized diapers/clothes, and when he started playing with new toys). If these details are hard for me to remember now (and he's only 7 months), I can't imagine how cloudy things will become in the future, but I know at the same time, everything will feel like it was "just yesterday."

Eat: Part 2.

If you know me well you know that when I get into something I am all in. I rarely "dabble" in things. If I decide I'm gonna do something, I'm all in. This is what got me into the breast feeding predicament I talked about it my last blog. For example, for a short while I was an extreme couponer. The phase lasted less than a year, but during that time I spent a ton of time obsessing over printing coupons, reading coupon blogs, sorting coupons, stockpiling, etc. Back when I was a PP (pregnant pinterest-er), I was obsessed with organizing my boards in a way that would help me be a first time mom (unfortunately it was a lot of time misspent, since I don't really use them, but it kept me busy during those long 38 weeks).

It's this kind of obsession that sometimes keeps me from starting something because if I can't do something well, I don't like doing it at all. In my time browsing the "kids" section of pinterest, I came upon many pins about making your own baby food. I didn't really want to repin these pins because making your own baby food sounded like one of those things that I could easily become obsessed with, but I doubted that I would have time for. So when it came time to feed John Mark his first solids I decided we would just go with Gerber baby food. This would not only save this working mom a ton of time, but also I could collect their little plastic containers and the teacher in me was very excited about the limitless opportunities these containers provide for storing school goodies!

So John Mark ate pears, prunes, sweet potatoes, apples...Well one day I decided I would give him some bananas. When I peeled back the lid, I was beyond grossed out. This really potent, unnatural smell filled the air. If it smelled that bad, I couldn't imagine how it would taste. I decided right then and there I would at least consider making my own baby food. After some research, I realized how simple it is!

In the spirit of keeping it somewhat easy, I do use frozen fruits and veggies (along with some fresh like banana and avocado). Frozen works for me because I do not have to peel and core and because apparently frozen vegetables and fruits can sometimes be even more nutrient rich than store bought (depending on how long they've been sitting on the produce aisle). This website, wholesomebabyfood.com, really is amazing and explains everything. I don't even use a Baby Bullet or anything fancy. I just steam the veggies in the microwave and use my counter-sized food processor to blend it all up. The only equipment I've bought is ice cube trays for freezing 1 ounce portions. I still use pre-made food sometimes when we go out to eat (because the frozen stuff needs to be refrigerated until eaten....and because I still love to collect those plastic containers, haha!).

John Mark loves his food. He eats one fruit and one veggie two times a day. At daycare they laugh because they can only heat one at a time and he gets mad when he's waiting on his second portion to warm up. His favorites so far are sweet potatoes and pears, but he really loves it all (even the pre-made stuff).

Here's what he's had so far:
prunes
sweet potatoes
apples
pears
banana
avocado
peas
peaches
green beans
baby puffs
Mum Mums
frozen grapes (in a mesh feeder)
oatmeal cereal (FYI this is not necessary as they thought it was back when we were kids...it didn't work well on JM's little tummy, so new moms should know you can totally skip cereal)

Here are some photos of our food journey. It's hard to believe that in less than 5 months he won't be taking a bottle anymore and will be feeding himself full time!

 Turns out the peas don't really need to be strained...that was a disaster...

Just Wait

If I ever When I used to complain about sleeping while pregnant, I'm sure more than one person who already had kids either said to me "just wait" or at least said it in their head. I mentioned in my blog about sleep that I am now one of these people...I just wants to warn all pregnant people or anyone pre-child: sleep while you can! In other words, if you think sleep is difficult now, then...."just wait." Those two words...

I've noticed that along with "time flies" and "they grow too fast," "just wait" is a recurring theme among mommies. For instance, last weekend when my friend, Tami, was lamenting over her current 17 week pregnancy woes, Kellie (new mom to 7 week old baby Nathan) and I exchanged the "just wait" eyes (raised eye brows over wide open eyes). We both looked at her and said, "just wait." Meaning 1) it is going to get so much worse the bigger you get and 2) if you think life is hard now, then...."just wait." (One day, Tami will be making the "oh-I-get-it-eyes.") 

Similarly, if I ever complain about sleep to someone with older children, they can't help but say, "just wait...one day they'll be teenagers out driving on their own and then you really won't be able to sleep." I'm sure that parents of toddlers say something like, "enjoy it while you can, once they start walking things get really hard...just wait." Because they grow so quickly and the changes come so rapidly, there's always something new around the corner.

Even though a lot of times these words are used to hint that something worse is coming, the rapid changes also mean that good is coming. Back during the newborn phase, people used to tell me that each new month would get better. "Just wait til 4 weeks...things get so much easier." "Eight weeks is when things get better." "If you can just wait til 12 weeks, life will change. Just wait." These words really give new moms hope and I know that they're right, but I just have to say that life at 7 months is way better than it ever was back when I was still referring to my baby's age in weeks! I'd say that once he could lay on his play mat and play in his exersaucer (around 4 months), things didn't just get a tiny bit easier, but also a lot more fun. If you're not there yet, just wait.

To all the moms with babies younger than John Mark who are experiencing wonderful things such as first smiles and five hours of sleep in a row, I want to tell them: If you think things are good now, just wait. Just wait til they can really smile at you. Just wait until they giggle with you. Just wait until they splash and play in the bathtub. Just wait until you get to feed them food for the first time and see the look on their face as they experience their first flavors. Just wait until they can roll over and reach for the toys they like. Just wait until they smile up at you from the crib in the morning. Just wait until they squeal with delight when they see you come in the door at daycare.

I am sure moms with babies older than John Mark want to say "just wait" to me too. Just wait until they reach for you. Just wait until they say "momma." Just wait until he can give you a kiss. Just wait until they say, "I love you." I'm sad about him getting older, but there are so many milestones I am excited to see him experience. I.Just.Can't.Wait.

Here he is enjoying a bubble bath:

Here he is in his beloved exersaucer:

One of his first tastes- prunes:

This photo is misleading. Oh how I wish he could hold is own cup/bottle!

Eat: Part 1.

A little disclaimer: when I started this, I really didn't know I'd go on and on about breast feeding for so long. It's still a sore subject since we didn't make it past five months (rather than the year I hoped I could go), but I guess I'm writing down the journey in case someday I want to relive it.  If you're not a mom or soon to be mom, you will probably find this excruciatingly boring and possibly even confusing. Breast feeding is a world of it's own with language and a lifestyle that you can never "get" until you've been there...

From the get-go, what your baby eats is the single most important thing in your day. It rules your life. For.A.Long.Time. Your life literally revolves around when your baby eats. And since pretty much all they do is sleep when they're really young, eating becomes the primary focus of life. I was dead set on breast feeding. We attended a class and I read all about it. Free nourishment for our baby plus a higher IQ? It doesn't get much better than that. We thought.

In the beginning (I thought), things were going great. When John Mark was 2 weeks old, I headed to a breastfeeding support group. I mainly went because I needed to get out of the house and meet some other people who were in my boat. I learned he was on the low end of average for weight gain, but nonetheless things were still acceptable. I continued to go to the meetings weekly. It was one of my only interactions with other adults and it was my lifeline. I made lots of friends there and, to this day, I think interacting with other moms is critical for this new life phase. It can be a very lonely time. Looking back, I'm almost positive that I would've gone completely crazy if I hadn't had some social interaction.

Even though I really enjoyed going, each week I was slightly disappointed with his weight gain. I tried everything the nurse and the other moms told me (cookies with milk boosting ingredients, green gatorade, herbs, pumping, extra feedings, etc.). For a long time I "triple fed," which means nurse, bottle of pumped milk, and pump. That could take 45 min+...times that by 8 feedings a day and it really adds up. Attending the group helped keep me going, but each week I felt stressed and disappointed. Others (not the other moms from the group or the nurse) tried to get me to add a bottle of formula, but I refused. Making milk is supposed to be simple: supply and demand. I knew that if I gave him formula my body wouldn't be getting the signal to make more milk. Looking back I wish I'd listened to Brandon and Mom about the formula, not because I thought I was wrong about my convictions, but mainly because it would have given me some sanity in an otherwise chaotic, trial and error lifestyle. Each week was a terrible cycle: I'd leave the meeting with a new plan and determination, all week I would try different things hoping that he would gain, but end up blinking the tears back as I looked at the scale each week. I felt like such a failure. My body was not doing what it was meant to do. I think the reason I kept it up so long is because I thought if I tried hard enough the next week, everything would be okay.

I was desperate for John Mark to be one of those EBF babies (exclusively breast fed). On all the mommy blogs I've read, they use this term and I feel like these mommies wear the term EBF as a badge of honor. Yes, the deserve it because breast feeding is hard and selfless. My determination to be "EBF" was killing me though.

Strangers would look at John Mark in his carseat and ask me how old he was. When they heard the answer, they'd say, "Ooooh, he's so tiny!" or "Was he premature?" In the beginning, I wasn't really offended by this because I knew that breastfed babies are typically smaller. It wasn't until my pediatrician noticed his thin arms that I got really worried. Around 3 months, I had to amp up my efforts even more. I was starting to lose it. I shed many tears at the meetings. Finally (after 4 long months) the nurse suggested that I just pump/bottle instead of nurse/pump/bottle (since he clearly was not doing a good job on his own). Basically I would be doing "double" feeding instead of "triple feeding." I was energized by the new plan. I thought, "I can do this!" Hmmmm....

Someone told me that if I was going to EP (exclusively pump...you have no idea how many baby related abbreviations there are in the breastfeeding world), I needed to go on a pumping spree...every two hours (including some at night)! Those were by far the craziest weeks of my breastfeeding experience. I even pumped in the car....while driving (with a cover of course).  This was the beginning of the end for me. I'm not even going to go into the details, but EPing is not an easy decision and is the most time consuming, annoying thing I've ever done. I swore that when it was over I was going to burn my pump (free thanks to the Affordable Care Act), but instead I donated it to a family in need.

It didn't take long for me to tire of the pump and we started supplementing some. Formula is a slippery slope and once I'd agreed to start supplementing, I got a taste of what it was like to be a parent. My life before BF was really and truly all about feeding my LO. Once I stopped, I had the time and the free space in my brain to enjoy my DS. I like to say that for the first 4-5 months of his life I was a milk maker only, but afterwards I finally got to be a parent. It was a loooong road and I'm glad I did it, but I've given up the guilt that comes with not being able to go the long haul. All I can say is that it wasn't for lack of trying.

I can't wait until our second (no time soon), so that I can have a do-over. Every baby is different, even when it comes to nursing. Although sometimes I joke that the next baby will get only formula and we'll do our own test to see whose IQ is higher, I'm definitely going to give it another shot.

I have debated a long time about whether to publish this blog because it seems a little depressing and hopeless and with as many new mommy friends as I know, I don't want to be discouraging. I really think it was worth the try and, had I had more milk, it's something I definitely wanted to continue. Everyone has different experiences and just because it didn't work for me (long term), doesn't mean it won't for others. I just think my story is worth telling because, for a long time, it seemed like I was only around people who were, for the majority, successfully nursing. On one of my darker days I googled "why not formula" and I found some very reassuring information and read one blog about how when the mother's happiness and sanity are in peril, then it's okay to think about formula. I just had such a hard time giving myself permission to throw in the towel.

I really wish this blog were more eloquent, but I guess the bottom line is that motherhood is difficult and filled with confusion, worry, and disappointment. Luckily, there are tons of other emotions that help overshadow the difficult times!

Sleep.

I was going to talk about sleep in my last blog, but then I realized I probably had enough material to write a whole blog. One thing that used to drive me crazy when I was pregnant, was when people (strangers and friends) would tell me, "Sleep now while you can!" That annoyed me for two reasons. One is that when you're 32 weeks+ pregnant and you're getting up every hour to go to the bathroom and you can't get comfortable with that huge bump on your belly, the last thing you want to hear is that you should use the time before the baby comes to get sleep. It sounds impossible! Two is that, for me anyway, ignorance is bliss, and I used to think "sure all those other babies get up all hours of the night, but I'm extremely positive and surely I can positive think my way to a baby who sleeps through the night!" Well, now that the tables are turned all I want to tell pregnant people is to SLEEP NOW! Seriously, even though I sound obnoxious, sleep now you preggos!

This sounds a bit dramatic when really John Mark is not as bad as other babies I've heard about. In the beginning, somehow waking several times a night was a little easier (probably because I could nap during the day and because you kind of sleep with one eye open when they first get home). By 7 weeks, he was only waking up once to nurse. Once per night was like bliss. And he was pretty predictable, which was lovely. I can't remember when he started sleeping through the night, but I think it might have been around 3 months. That was even better. However, it only lasted a few nights because my supply dropped off and I had to wake up to pump even though he was still sleeping. I got about 3 nights of 8 hour sleep (before I realized it was negatively affecting my milk) and it was awesome. Around four and a half months we had to give up nursing due to his slow weight gain, frazzled mother, and the impending end of my maternity leave (tearful decision, but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself). So around then I was free to sleep through the night again. I am grateful for a good month's sleep. Here he is from that time period. Things were good!

Who knew that this little sleep sack (a.k.a. swaddle/baby straight jacket) would be so important? When I'd first received it as a gift, I dutifully washed it in baby detergent like I did all his other laundry (which I no longer see as a necessity) even though I really didn't know what it's purpose was or how handy it would become. Like I said, things were good around this time!

And then it happened. I'd heard of it, but (again ignorance is bliss) I told myself it would never happen to my baby. Wrong. It happened. The four month sleep regression. Well, for us it happened at five months, but they call it the four month sleep regression. It was awful. Not only were we completely spoiled by then, but I was going back to work the week after this hit. I tried to tell myself that it was a one night fluke, but it lasted from the last week in July until about a week ago. He would wake up multiple times of night screaming. In the beginning he was hard to put back to sleep and it took lots of rocking and shhhhing (side note: while shhhhhing is intended to get people quiet, it's actually a pretty loud sound especially if you want it to be effective). He eventually got a little better and then it became an issue of the paci. We went back and forth upstairs to put the paci back and say a quick prayer that the paci was all he needed. For a time we thought this was teething or an earache or reflux, but a trip to the doctor told us it was none of those - just a growth spurt/sleep regression. Here I am cuddling him on one of his first miserable nights when we thought he was teething.

 

We tried different methods to deal with this new pattern. For a while we took turns sleeping in the guest room next to him so that each of us had a night "off" every other night. When things got a little better, we went back to sleeping in our room again and traded off nights for who was in charge of the monitor and putting the paci back. Sometimes we went upstairs 5+ times per night. We really didn't want to bring him back to our bedroom since moving him upstairs (after 4.5 months of being in a pack n play beside our bed) was such an accomplishment. Also, he's been swaddled to sleep pretty much since he was born, so we tried not swaddling, we tried a new swaddle, we tried one arm in, both arms in, both arms out... Here I am cuddling with him in the guest room one really bad night. Even though I felt frustrated and sleepy, how could my heart not melt looking at this!?

After trying a variety of arm positioning and a new sleep sack (this one was light and stretchy unlike his original fleece one that was becoming increasingly small), he was still waking up several times per night. Well, in a moment of frustration, on a particularly bad night when I was really tired, I took him out of his new, appropriately sized swaddle sack and put him back in his old tiny one with both arms in as tight as I could (if you weren't the mother of an infant you might think this was child abuse, but don't knock it til you try it) aaaaaaaannnnnddddd....he slept throught the night again after several nights of not sleeping through the night!!!!!!!!!!!! So of course, the next night we did it again and much to our delight it worked again. There was the problem of the too small sleep sack though. You know how in China the ladies wrap their feet really tightly to keep them from getting bigger? Well I had this fear that if we kept putting him in this incredibly small sleep sack, we would stunt his leg growth. Brandon headed back to the store and chose another sack that was bigger, but more like the fabric from the original sleep sack. We put him in it and hoped it would work and luckily it did. Man, is this kid picky!!!!

The photo on the left shows him in sleep sack #2. This is the one he hated (well we didn't know he hated it until we went back to the original). Here he is one night later in tiny sleep sack #1. Instead of getting his shoes bronzed, maybe we should have his beloved first sleep sack bronzed. 

Here he is napping soundly in his new sleep sack. I feel like Goldilox and the 3 Sleep Sacks. Finally, one works (and fits)!

This blog has been long enough, but just know that the sleep sack is not the only magic that contributes to our night of sleep. We have our very expensive sound machine (also known as my iPad), a humidifier (not sure if this helps, but the sound makes a nice environment), our AngelCare Movement Monitor (monitors movement, so if he stops breathing an alarm will sound), a paci, and a lovie (that has been in my laundry basket so it smells like me), gripe water (good distraction during screaming fits), and our video monitor. Each piece is integral. Who would have thought sleep would be this complicated and require so much equipment!?

This one below was from one night when we tried arms out. No Go. Also, it's back when we used a mobile. Those are good for about 5 months, but not much longer because after that they just want to grab them and play with them instead of sleep.

Every parent will tell you that life changes when you have a baby. Sleep is probably the most difficult change. I'd like to say that you get used to it (and I guess in some ways you expect it, but it doesn't make functioning on less any easier). However, all the great changes definitely outnumber the difficult ones. Even though there are some nights when I can't wait for him to fall asleep (so I can follow right behind him), I definitely miss him by morning time. Putting my feet on the floor when I hear him stirring is by far the hardest part, but once I start to climb the stairs I remember what I'm going to see when I get to the top. He'll be laying in his crib sometimes wimpering, sometimes cooing, and sometimes screaming, but no matter what, as soon as he sees me he smiles (even if it is through tears). Here he is yesterday morning (he wriggled his arms free while waiting on me):

Keeping Up with John Mark

Have you seen those new "Google Glasses?" They're like a smart phone you wear as eye wear. I saw them preview them on the Today show and even though the concept is really over the top, there was  one feature that was really appealing to me: whenever you want to take a picture of what you're looking at, you say, "Google Glasses, take picture." Sometimes when I'm looking at John Mark and he's making the most adorable face, I wish I had those glasses on! Google Glasses, take picture! With a six month old, it's a little harder to capture as many photos because I feel like he's so busy that we're always moving and not only can I not always get to my camera, but he's moving so much it's hard to get him to take a good picture and be still a minute. Luckily, we had some six month photos taken to capture these faces that I can't seem to get on my own camera. She did an amazing job! I'd like to think that he's just universally adorable, but I realize that I may be a little biased because I'm his mommy :)

People tell me all the time how much he looks like me. Here are some photos of me as a baby. You can judge for yourself:

 Here are some of Brandon:

He's been working on sitting up on his own for a while now, but still doesn't quite have it.  Now he's added trying to crawl to the mix. He has just recently started to lift his knees. I think he's really close and I wouldn't be surprised if he nailed it sometime soon. I guess mom and dad need to get to baby proofing this weekend! Here's a video of his first attempts:

In other news, we just got back from John Mark's first trip to the beach. It's our first real vacation since Mexico. My friend Jan said I needed to be more careful about the souvenirs I brought back this time, haha! Anyway, we had a great time seeing Mimi and Nana. Being at the beach as a parent is slightly different from going in your single days (for me "single" now refers to life pre-marriage and pre-baby, not necessarily pre-relationship...it just implies "unencumbered"). We did have a lot of stuff to haul (LOVE the new Go-Pod we got...it's like a baby bag exersaucer). He did good on the beach (better than me, I guess....I felt like I was always covered in sand and baby) and he liked floating in the ocean until the waves got to be too much to handle. Here are some pictures from the trip: